Times you don’t want people talking to you

So, long time no blog.  You see, I hit a problem.  While I wanted the blog to be an immediate success, because I have a lot of funny things to say, yo, and people should appreciate me (APPRECIATE ME, DAMMIT) apparently I need to believe the reason I am not an immediate success is because people just haven’t seen my blog yet.

Me

Me

But then I wrote the post about the awesome couple who sat near me on the cruise, it got picked up by one of the most popular Disney websites on the internet, and I had about a bijillion and a half people look at my blog.  AND NONE OF THEM STAYED. None of them commented, none of them subscribed. It was all very disheartening. Could it be…. that I am the only one who finds myself funny?

Well, yeah. Probably. So I didn’t really see the sense in updating when I’m just sitting around amusing myself.  Most of my funny thoughts fit on Twitter so that’s where I do most of my stuff. So I essentially took my ball and went home. I’M NOT ASHAMED.

But then recently, something wonderful happened.  I got the most glorious massage.  Not because it was awesome – it was fine – but the massage therapist was something to behold.  She was a talker.

You know, there are just times when you don’t want a complete stranger talking to you. Lying mostly naked while a 300 pound woman is rubbing you down with oil is one of them. OK, maybe for some people that’s an ideal time, but not for me.  But apparently letting the client lay in embarrassed silence until you relax them enough to the point where they just don’t care wasn’t one of things this woman’s massage school taught her.

Instead, this woman took the opposite approach.  She kept a steady stream of talk going the entire 60 minutes. Here are just some of the highlights that I forced myself to remember so that I could share with you guys.  You’re welcome.

– “Look at your fancy drawers! I like those, where did you get them?”

– “Oh honey, when I wear a thong I look like an elephant wearing dental floss but my man still thinks it’s sexy.”

– “Does your man have big hands? You should look at him and tell him God made him just for you cuz his hands can handle all this woman.”

– “Girl, you need to go get you some of them hooka’ heels, highest you can find, and surprise your man one day in them.”

– “Do you have a nickname for your man? ‘Baby’ is alright, but you gotta call him Big Papa or Big Sexy. His eyes’ll light up!”

– “One time my man bit my backside! I asked what he thought he was doing. He said that now he wasn’t gonna have to pack a lunch because I was too much woman for him.”

Deep thoughts, ya’ll. I hope she gets a book deal someday.  She clearly has advice to share with the world.  I have another massage scheduled with her in a couple of weeks. Again, you’re welcome.

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My worst (well, one of them) nightmare: Shopping

The internet has been pretty much the best thing ever for me. I’m really not a big fan of being near people (Remember how I said that I’d become a crazy cat lady if something happened to my husband — yep, it’s true). The internet lets me live in my little own world and have some interaction with people on my own terms. When I want to talk, I get on my Twitter and make statements and hope people respond.  If I just want to live in my cave and be alone, I just play games or read other people’s blogs.

So, as a person who, you  know, doesn’t really like being around other people, the Christmas shopping season is my nightmare. Especially the day after Thanksgiving. My brain melts down at the thought of even attempting to go out into the zombie hoards looking for a deal good enough to sacrifice their dignity for.

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No, I don’t shop in person for Christmas. Or birthdays. Or really anything else if I can help it. Except grocery shopping. I haven’t figured out a cost effective way to grocery shop from home. So every Sunday I brave going to the grocery store and leave in a pissed off mood because people basically suck in public.

My favorite thing ever is Amazon Prime. This is how I feel about Amazon Prime:

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Amazon has absolutely everything you could ever want. I sometimes think of really random things I’d like to have and go search for it and they have it. If they don’t have it, it hasn’t been invented. And then as an extra special bonus, you get FREE TWO DAY SHIPPING.

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Amazon Prime has totally spoiled me from any other online shopping experience.  I get really bitter now when I have to pay for shipping.  It’s actually stopped me from buying stuff before.

Amazon Prime also allows for free returns on most clothing and shoe options now, really negating the need to ever go clothes shopping. Now I can become horribly depressed at how clothes fit me at home where I can now just go downstairs and have a glass of wine to drown out my sorrows!

Anyway, I swear I’m not a shill for Amazon. I just really love Prime. I pretty much love anything that keeps me from having to go outside.

The Most Hated Question

So, I think at some point in life there’s a class where you learn how to have meaningful and fulfilling social interactions without exposing yourself as a total loser. I must have totally missed it, though.

Or maybe it’s a gene. It’s definitely a gene. I don’t have it.

I am just really not good with talking to people. And I hate awkward silence. I’ll be with someone and the conversation dies down and the silence is just hanging there and I’ll just blurt out something like “I like butterflies. You?” This is the reason I’m well on my way to being the crazy cat lady who never leaves the house and you’re never quite sure if she’s still alive but every once in a while you’ll see the door to her house pop open to allow another cat to walk in.  The only thing stopping me from this destiny is my husband. And the fact that I don’t have any cats. But if something happened to my husband I’d really be in trouble. Cats are easy to get.

With all of my social awkwardness, there is one question people ask me that I hate the most out of all others:

“So, what’s new?”

The answer is always “nothing.” On any given day, you can pretty much guarantee that nothing is new in my life.

Still Married? Check.

Still have a dog? Check.

Still don’t have a baby? Check.

Still have the soul crushing job that I’m pretty sure is on it’s way to making me an evil villainess from a Saturday morning cartoon? Check. (This is the other way my life might go if anything happens to my husband. I’m either going to become a crazy cat lady or an evil villainess from a Saturday morning cartoon).

I have a couple of friends that it tends to happen that we only talk about once a year. Unfortunately, it never lasts long because we really don’t know how to interact with each other now that we know nothing about each other’s lives and we always get hung up on this question. There’s really no way to keep the conversation going after “So, what’s new?” “Nothing.” “Oh. Ok.”  And then I bust out “I like butterflies, you?” and they start backing away slowly.