Times you don’t want people talking to you

So, long time no blog.  You see, I hit a problem.  While I wanted the blog to be an immediate success, because I have a lot of funny things to say, yo, and people should appreciate me (APPRECIATE ME, DAMMIT) apparently I need to believe the reason I am not an immediate success is because people just haven’t seen my blog yet.

Me

Me

But then I wrote the post about the awesome couple who sat near me on the cruise, it got picked up by one of the most popular Disney websites on the internet, and I had about a bijillion and a half people look at my blog.  AND NONE OF THEM STAYED. None of them commented, none of them subscribed. It was all very disheartening. Could it be…. that I am the only one who finds myself funny?

Well, yeah. Probably. So I didn’t really see the sense in updating when I’m just sitting around amusing myself.  Most of my funny thoughts fit on Twitter so that’s where I do most of my stuff. So I essentially took my ball and went home. I’M NOT ASHAMED.

But then recently, something wonderful happened.  I got the most glorious massage.  Not because it was awesome – it was fine – but the massage therapist was something to behold.  She was a talker.

You know, there are just times when you don’t want a complete stranger talking to you. Lying mostly naked while a 300 pound woman is rubbing you down with oil is one of them. OK, maybe for some people that’s an ideal time, but not for me.  But apparently letting the client lay in embarrassed silence until you relax them enough to the point where they just don’t care wasn’t one of things this woman’s massage school taught her.

Instead, this woman took the opposite approach.  She kept a steady stream of talk going the entire 60 minutes. Here are just some of the highlights that I forced myself to remember so that I could share with you guys.  You’re welcome.

– “Look at your fancy drawers! I like those, where did you get them?”

– “Oh honey, when I wear a thong I look like an elephant wearing dental floss but my man still thinks it’s sexy.”

– “Does your man have big hands? You should look at him and tell him God made him just for you cuz his hands can handle all this woman.”

– “Girl, you need to go get you some of them hooka’ heels, highest you can find, and surprise your man one day in them.”

– “Do you have a nickname for your man? ‘Baby’ is alright, but you gotta call him Big Papa or Big Sexy. His eyes’ll light up!”

– “One time my man bit my backside! I asked what he thought he was doing. He said that now he wasn’t gonna have to pack a lunch because I was too much woman for him.”

Deep thoughts, ya’ll. I hope she gets a book deal someday.  She clearly has advice to share with the world.  I have another massage scheduled with her in a couple of weeks. Again, you’re welcome.